6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
