I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
