tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
