I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
