you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Randomize
