I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
