I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
