Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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