I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Randomize
