I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
