My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
