I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
