He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Randomize
