Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
