4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
i mean i'm ok with bufu but if i'm gonna do it it needs to be a mutual agreement, and there are steps that need to be taken. you don't just go OOPS we're doing it now
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Randomize
