Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Randomize
