Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
why do cheetos always look like penises
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
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