What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
