What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Randomize
