I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
