Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
