all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
This is the high leading the old right now
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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