My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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