I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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