my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
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