i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
