i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
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