If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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