I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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