You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
someone owes me an orgasm
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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