Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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