There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
