remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Randomize
