Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Randomize
