WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
