Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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