Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
