I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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