6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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