I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize
