Whod you bang
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
