what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
