If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
