this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
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