I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
they need to just BURY HIM!
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Randomize
