Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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