And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
Randomize
