So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
