I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
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