Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Randomize
