Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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